Why does bullying happen?  And what can we do about it?

Talking with the parents of a child who is being bullied is a difficult conversation to have, because it is often not possible for those parent alone to prevent their child from being bullied.  As much as parents want to solve this problem for their kids, they can't do it, at least not alone.  This is really a problem we have to address as a whole society, and at the same time each of us must individually take a stand against bullying when we come across it.

There are a lot of different approaches and programs to prevent bullying.  In this article in Parenting Science, Gwen Dewar writes about programs that have and haven't worked, and what seems to be important. 

Barbara Coloroso is an educator in Colorado who has written and spoken all over the world about bullying and how to stop it.  She has created an excellent BullyHandout and a BullyHandoutforTeens, both of which illustrate the social setting and different participants in the social setting that permit bullying to occur.  She has also shown that the path from bullying to genocide is a very short one.  Her handout on Extraordinary Evil: Three Characters and a Tragedy makes it so clear why we can't permit bullying.  Bullying starts with devaluing the bullied until they are not thought of as human anymore.  And people can do horrible things to others when they don't think of them as even being human.

Izzy Kalman is a psychologist who has created a site and program called Bullies 2 Buddies that has ideas for kids who are bullied about how to defuse bullies by controlling your own reactions so the bullies don't get any pleasure out of bullying.

If you read all these sites, which all have excellent information, you may find yourself a little confused.  What is the best approach?  There are some common themes that all three of these writers share.

First, bullying is not just a right of passage, and we as adults should never just accept it.  Whether in schools or at home, adults are never going to see all the bullying that occurs, but when we do, we should have a zero tolerance policy toward it.  Kids who are bullying should be held accountable for their actions. In this interview on CBS News Early Show, Barbara Coloroso talks about what a school district and a community have to do to really reign in bullying.  They must set a strict anti-bullying policy; they have to have procedures in place to protect the bullied and hold bullies accountable; and they must have programs in place to say "No more, not here, never' to mean and cruel [behavior] and teach young people how to stand up and speak out."  The interview happened after a school district in South Hadley, Massachusetts lost a student who was bullied until she committed suicide, even though the district had started to take the issue seriously. 

Second, kids who are bullying often prefer to have an audience, and many times bystanders will watch bullying without every saying anything.   As Gwen Dewar writes on her site, simply having another kid speak up against bullying stopped it within a few second more than half the time.  For many other bystanders, seeing someone speak up against bullying often inspires them to speak up as well.  As adults, we can and should teach kids to speak up when they see someone else being bullied.  And we should recognize them when they do for being the quiet heroes they are. 

As adults, we must model the same behavior we are asking of the kids in our lives.  We also need to recognize that, if we don't speak up when we see bullying, we are also acting as bystanders, as the audience that fuels bullying. Even outside of schools or playgrounds, we need to look at the words and attitudes our kids learn from us.  Are we inclusive of others?  Do we value and accept the difference among each other?  Do we use conversation and negotiation when there is conflict?

Third, we need to support kids who are being bullied.  They are not responsible for being bullied, but we can teach them ways to get away from bullying.  Each of the three writers has some suggestions for how to do this, and my guess is that different solutions will work for different kids, so it is worth looking at them all.  There are some good ideas in this article from Teen Vogue from Barbara Coloroso, and some other good ideas from Izzy Kalman and Barbara Coloroso in this article from The Costco Connection.

Even for kids who are not driven to suicide, the consequences of bullying are profound.  Kids who are bullied can be severely depressed.  They may have chronic pain, and may not do well in school .  It is up to all of us to say "no more, not here, never."